Relationship kryptonite?

Hello, it’s Valentine’s Day.
I adore this holiday from the chalky conversation hearts — FAX ME — to all the contrived expressions of affection. Because even though he may have been guilted into going to Jared by jewelry-store ads and chocolate companies and the Hallmark Corporation, I’ll bet his heart’s in the right place. Usually.
Some men really do just suck.
Okay, women, too. But mostly men.

I bought these for myself.

Bitterness and cynicism are a real turn-offs. All the anti-Cupid sentiment? I’m anti-that.
Yes, we should tell our loved ones how we feel, show them how much they mean to us, every day. But what’s wrong with one day out of the year where we go out of our way, go big, to spoil them?

I don’t have a big hetero Valentine this year. There’s a heart-shaped iron the fire, to be sure, but I’m not jumping to brand anybody for now.

But when I love, I love with my whole heart.
Then I write about it.
And apparently, the fact that I reveal so very much about myself, my relationships, my feelings, bothers some people.
A few weeks ago, after I wrote “Second-Fiddle Girl, a male friend sent me an e-mail. He doesn’t read my blog regularly, but some turn of phrase in my many pleas to read it drew him in. And what he found there that day was enough to prompt this:
Question: Do you think your blog could be relationship kryptonite? In this day and age, you can Google or FB someone in .3 seconds and find out a good deal before you meet for date number two.
Do you think this guy did some background work on you, found your blog and said, “No way; I don’t want to be a part of this”? Reason I say that is…I’m a pretty normal guy, and if I saw your blog, I’d be like thanks, but no thanks.

Well.
I never.

I never even considered it, actually. Good thing he’s not my type.
Maybe I have much too high an opinion of myself, but I’m not sure how anything I write here would be seen as a dealbreaker.
Yes, I have a cat — we probably shouldn’t shack up if you’re allergic.
Yes, a guy pulled a shady move and hurt my feelings, and I wrote about it — you probably shouldn’t screw me over.
Yes, I have issues about my weight — you probably shouldn’t call me fat.
I have the occasional problem with men. With my family. With…posting to Craigslist. I have webbed toes. Okay?
Who doesn’t?
Okay, don’t answer that.

Honestly. Men know women are complicated. It’s part of our infuriating allure, n’est-ce pas?
I’m really no more complicated, no more of a mess than the average woman; I’m just better at articulating my complications. Which — if you think about it — actually demystifies me a little. Because at least you know what you’re getting into.
Anyone I would want to be with would read my posts and think, “I can deal with that.” Better yet, he’d read my posts and think, “I should get to know her better in person.”
And ideally? He wouldn’t be completely batshit.
But that’s a risk I’m willing to take at the outset. (Something about coordinating baggage?) If some cookie-cutter Ken Doll in Wrigleyville reads my blog and decides not to pursue a relationship with me, more’s the better for both of us. I can only listen to so much Dave Matthews Band.
I’ve had people call my tendency to share details about my life problematic. I’ve been told I have no filter. Boundary issues.
So, with varying degrees of success, I’ve tried to force myself to hold back when I’m first getting to know a guy. (And in saying that out loud, it seems horribly backward?)
But I’m not embarrassed about my choices or their consequences — or, if I am, talking about it helps ease my pain. I’m young, okay? I’ve made some stupid decisions. And I’ve learned from them. But I’ve actually made some smart decisions, some brave decisions, and I’m not the type to stay tight-lipped about my successes.
I’m not some stupid girl running my mouth because I have a skewed sense of propriety. I like to share things about myself. I’m kind of an oversharer, actually, and that’s probably not going to change.
I’d love to think I could restrain my flood of personal information to a trickle — I suppose a lesser man could drown in that deluge, and maybe it’s cheated me out of a few nice dates — but what comes out comes out, and I’d rather have it out from the get-go and save us all the pain in the end. If I’m going to be too much, I’d rather offer the so-called kiss of death before either one of us gets attached.
So pucker up. Go ahead: Read my blog and pass your judgments before you get to know me.
Or get the story behind the words.
Love’s all about choices.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

Happy Valentine’s Day.
Bring on the haters.

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54 Responses to “Relationship kryptonite?”

  1. Dena Says:

    Fine. Your blog is kryptonite. It’s kryptonite to men who wouldn’t be able to handle who you are anyway. You’re the anti-Rules woman. Remember that relationship book that told women to be less than honest to catch a man then play games to keep him? You’ll never play by those fucked up rules. That’s a good thing. I believe both of the writers of that book are now divorced.

  2. Tony Says:

    Your blog and the fact you write your blog, is you. If a guy reads your blog and is turned off by what you write, then he’s not the one for you anyway. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’. And Happy Valentine’s Day!

  3. TC Says:

    Don’t be disappointed if after you plant those store-bought tulips out in your garden, they wilt and die. Special occasion flowers like that are grown to bloom out of season and once they’re done showin off, you can toss them.

    You got the analogy, n’est-ce pas?

  4. Marcy Massura Says:

    You know I think about this all the time. Way more than a super married mother of two should actually. But I think about what I would reveal on my blog if I was back in the dating world….and I think it is one thing to try and find someone to love you…ALL OF YOU including web-toes or my insane grumpiness in the morning before coffee 9just random examples of course)…but I wonder- is it too much to ask them to know all of that BEFORE that actually do love you?

    I have decided that if ever I am in ‘that’ position of being single (a girl can dream can’t she?) I wouldn’t mention my blog for a long long time. If he googles it- well then, oh well. But I wouldn’t be advertising my insanity.

    But that is just me.
    And of course it will never be a problem for me.
    Or will it?
    🙂

  5. Mariano Martinez III Says:

    I normally don’t post comments anywhere, but since I know you and that comment from that guy particularly bugged me I feel I need to say that I fully agree with Tony. Any guy that would say “Thanks, but no thanks” just because he’s read your blog isn’t for you anyway (and truth be told he’s probably some macho-guy who’s threatened by woman who actually have brains…).

    Keep up the awesomeness, we’re both on our path to hyper-success and I hope you hit yours as quickly as I’m going to hit mine, hahahaha!

  6. lucy Says:

    I think it’s really cool that you write. It takes a lot of bravery to do that. At least you’re honest and up front with who you are instead of hiding it like most girls.

  7. Tweets that mention Relationship kryptonite? -- Topsy.com Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Paige Worthy, newmomontheblog. newmomontheblog said: Happy Valentine's Day. My present to you is a blog I didn't write. RT @paigeworthy: BLOG: Relationship kryptonite? http://goo.gl/fb/NZ8b8 […]

  8. jason Says:

    I actually prefer women who can articulate what they are going through. After a few relationships of veiled comments, I’d rather be with someone who at least has some outlet to process life out a bit. Would some guys look and be like, “No way!” Yes. But there are plenty out there saying, “She’s quirky. And intellectual. I want to know her.” Figuring out which category the guy before you falls into, well I got no answer for that. Find the quirky guy and I’m sure he wouldn’t care a bit, if anything it should show you he’s confident with who he is and likes you for what you are, blunt out-there truth and all. 🙂

  9. F Says:

    TC was harsh. I happen to know that somebody I will be giving a valentine kiss to today, had a total crush on you because of your blog.

    However, later he realized over some facebook status that you were going to kill a department store for not delivering a quilt or comforter fast enough, and that kind of put him off.

    I guess it’s because your blog is personal, nobody sees this up front.

    • Paige Worthy Says:

      I remember people getting up in arms over what I said about the comforter. That whole situation really put me off.
      Too bad I missed out on getting with such a sharp guy who couldn’t figure out that I was joking. Think about it, though: If you’d just spent hundreds of dollars on something and were waiting on it to complete an apartment you were already unhappy in, and it took a few extra days, wouldn’t you be a little upset, too?
      Maybe not.

  10. Crysta Says:

    It’s you. If a guy can’t deal with that, then he’s not the right guy for you. Same with Facebook, Twitter, or any of the platforms we share ourselves on. Yeah, they may scare someone off, but only the ones with whom it wouldn’t work out. Really, aren’t you just saving yourself some heartache in the long run? By being so open, you’ll avoid going out with guys who would eventually realize you’re not compatible.

    Keep on keepin’ on! Happy Valentine’s Day, Paige!

  11. Erini Says:

    Great post.

    I used to link my blog on my dating site profile. Some guys loved it. It gave them a great ice-breaker. Others mentioned how it made them feel creepy… I felt a little weird about it — since I’d be writing about dates with other guys… so I eventually took it down. But if someone ever wanted to see it, that’d be fine.

    Honestly, I sort of get a little smiley when I see a guy mentions he blogs on his profile. Could be I’m just a nerd. But really… blogging is a part of who we are… and if someone can’t handle that, then they shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.

    Anyway. Happy Valentine’s Day, Paige. 🙂

  12. Patrick Coan Says:

    The problem I think is people learning what they aren’t ready to learn. When you expose yourself completely to someone, sight unseen, there’s always the potential that math is being done in their head.

    I don’t get the gender references though. Girls and guys do it. I, like you, have no filter. Well, that’s not true. I have very good filter in reality. But when it comes to written word I’m completely and inescapably open. I have no doubt this will cost me jobs and relationships at some point. Hell, I know it’s cost me relationships. But in some way some part of me wants to be a public figure to anonymous people. A sort of linguistic, intellectual exhibitionism. Wouldn’t it be interesting if in 100 years there was a full, unabridged vomit of every little thing in a persons life that could be all anthropomorphized up as an example of 21st century living?

    In either case, blog is a short cut to knowing the bad. We’d be fool to pretend that a person, any person, would be alright with knowing the whole story, all the baggage, before even meeting. It’s just a bad idea. Think of it like this; Aside from just having bad date manners, what would you do if on the first date a guy told you about every ex he had, how much he pined for her, the times he had weaknesses and wanted to run back to her, ect. You’d throw your drink in his face! It’s not the same, but it is the same (and I’m not saying that’s what you blog about, necessarily, but it is what a lot of people do blog about.)

    In either case, I think it’s something to let someone in on later. There’s a comfort in other people’s thoughts on your thoughts, but when those people are strangers close to you in real life it becomes a real liability.

    I think so anyway, but the people in life are less forgiving than strangers. People who might have to interact

    • Paige Worthy Says:

      Ran out of space to comment, friend?

      Put it in your own blog 😉

      The gender references are there because I’m talking about guys — the type of people I tend to date — and how they react to me. This is about romance, not friendship or professional relationships.

  13. Deanna Says:

    Ah, the pitfalls of being a writer of any sort. A solid factor in why I stopped writing songs and such for a long time is that I knew I was dating really insecure people who’d read into every single fucking word I’d write and hold it against me if it was about them, even if it wasn’t.

    Or, as Corin Tucker once sang: “Don’t say the word if you don’t want it done/Don’t tell me your name if you don’t want it sung.”

    Now I’m dating someone with whom I can be completely open about which songs are about him, even if they uncover some of my most deeply held relationship insecurities, and he’s totally cool and mature about it. (Which is really useful since he’s the drummer in my band.)

    You, Paige, need to find your drummer, if you’re gonna have a relationship at all.

  14. Daniel Says:

    I wonder if Taylor Swift worries that guys will be afraid to date her because their eventual break-up will become a Top 40 hit.

    Personally, I’ve seen people tweet such stream-of-consciousness relationship freak-outs that I’ve often thought that if any potential suitors were to read them, they would run screaming. We don’t need to tell the world every thought we’re thinking… Unedited and uncensored. But you, Paige, are a writer… Your words are carefully crafted to relate an experience while evoking a range of emotions. I’ve often been moved by things you’ve written about the joys of relationships… And the heartbreak over their ending. They aren’t filterless rants. They are purposefully expressive. Whether you mean to or not, your work puts words to what other have felt and experienced in their own lives. That’s why you’re an interesting read… because your readers can relate.

    If a guy reads your blog and can’t relate to things you’ve written to his own personal experiences, then he’s not the guy for you anyway. Let your blog filter out those guys for you. Saves you the time from dealing with them.

  15. min. Says:

    Originally Posted By Daniel
    If a guy reads your blog and can’t relate to things you’ve written to his own personal experiences, then he’s not the guy for you anyway. Let your blog filter out those guys for you. Saves you the time from dealing with them.

    This is precisely what I had to add here, but Daniel did it better than I would’ve.

    PW, if a guy can’t get past your blog then he’s not going to be a guy that’s worth your time. Look at it as a first line of weeding out the unworthy. Clearly your FB status is the second line.

  16. F Says:

    You and the sharp guy are friendlies now. Might I add, he liked you from the start because of your blog? Thus a positive validation?

    I don’t really get upset about those things, sorry….

  17. min. Says:

    @Paige Worthy – This shocks me none. I crack myself up.

  18. Brian Says:

    A few things… People be nice, just because you disagree that doesn’t give you the right to be mean…. Secondly, if a guy finds your blog relationship kryptonite, then he isn’t your Superman….end. Of. Story.

  19. Shelley Says:

    I read this and I was like “hell yeah!” Then I was like, “what exactly is the point of Googling/Facebooking/doing any kind of Internet search on a person you don’t know very well and are possibly going to date?” No matter what you are always going to find out more than you really wanted to. Hence, why that absolute last thing I do when I really like someone, is to find out information about them from anyone or anything else but THEM.

  20. Felicia Says:

    I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy. Did he meet her there? Did he!?!

    A smart man will love that you provide a user manual for your heart.

  21. Morgan Jeffrey Says:

    Happy V-Day, Paige!

    Ooooh, that really burns me up… Post this or don’t, I just want you to read it…

    The fact that you are the type of person that is willing to leave their safe, cushy job and do freelance writing AND voice your opinions to the world, building the “Paige Worthy” brand, to actually make a worthwhile life for yourself, is why you’re exceptional. You are levels, echelons, grades, tiers, leagues above the “NORMAL” person. Heck, you’re not even the same species. It irks me to even think someone you know even attempted to get it into your head that what you’re doing is wrong in any way.

    If the fact that you’re a powerful, opinionated, heck, ballsy (which is GOOD) woman puts of some “NORMAL” guy, I say GOOD! They won’t waste your time with their useless, weak bullshnat. The average “normal” guy is a fearful, ambition-less loser anyway, and you know it. You deserve someone on your level and don’t EVER put people that are CLEARLY beneath you above you by letting them make you feel bad about the amazing things you accomplish everyday.

    That guy who rejected you recently is a doucheloser and the guy who put the idea of “relationship kryptonite” in your head is an even bigger doucheloser.

  22. Brian Says:

    @Morgan Jeffrey

    yes….you, Morgan Jeffery, you’re so, so right….

  23. min. Says:

    @Morgan Jeffrey

    I like your friend Morgan. Neato response.

  24. Brooke/ Bitchin' Nutrition Says:

    I love this post…made me smile. I think your friend is wrong whether men read your post or listens to your talk on a first date. They will find out about what makes you you sooner or later…so at for the losers least this may be a good screening tool that don’t deserve you 😉

  25. Rachel Hewitt Says:

    I went down the opposite end of this road while stalking Matt on the internet, and I did some seriously shameful stalking, so let’s hope HE doesn’t read your blog, but I feel like anyone with enough maturity and self awareness eventually comes to the lightbulb moment and realizes that a person is not merely a sum of bits cast out onto the world wide web (which I know nobody says anymore), so I vowed to stop stalking. See that, would be daters of Paige, follow my advice. Also because she is awesome.

  26. Kelly Says:

    I think…
    That if you are as open and honest with said date,friend, man, etc in person as you are with the internet folk… then there should be no issue. As long as they get the 411 directly from you and not via the WWW (World Wide Worthy), they should not feel put off.
    Although… I would not want my personal relationship with you broadcast for all Worthy fans to learn about. So please… don’t share with the internet that ‘time we were at dinner and I sneezed and farted at the same time and then acted like I forgot my wallet when the bill came’.

    (Okay that didn’t really happen…)

  27. bwh Says:

    Wait a minute … you mean, the internet isn’t the same thing as real life? That there’s a reasonable variation between passively reading someone’s well-crafted blog and interacting with them, in person, as a fellow human being??

    Noooo, all my snap judgments are melting! Melllllllting!! Ohhhh, what a world, what a world …

    (More to the point: I haven’t seen anything here that should be a dealbreaker at all. What’s to fear? Besides, it’s the 21st century; even my mother blogs. If certain men can’t handle that, they’ll just have to take their wounded egos back to their caves.)

  28. e.lizabeth Says:

    Just found your blog and I love it! You have such a great refreshing voice and I smiled a lot reading this post. Glad to hear you weren’t too fazed by some dude’s perception of blog to dateability ratio. Because that’s total bullshit. The end. I’ll be following in a totally not stalker-ish kind of way.

  29. Krista Says:

    OK, so firstly the Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me speech from Grey’s is definitely one of my all-time favorites. As soon as I saw that link, I knew what it was!

    Secondly, when online dating, I always use a nickname because really, all you’d need is my first name and “blog” and/or city I live in and you’d have a good chance of finding me and learning way too much about me. And somewhere on my site, there’s this post all about my ovaries that I really wouldn’t want any potential suitor to read!

  30. Lindsay Says:

    I am 100% in agreement with you, brilliant brilliant lady. If this blog is a deal breaker then the guy is not only not worth your time anyway but also clearly an idiot. I’m half in love with you and I don’t even swing that way… yet.

    • paigeworthy Says:

      Cool, let’s date.


      paige worthy
      pworthy@gmail.com
      312.402.1768

      “writing has laws of perspective,
      of light and shade, just as painting does,
      or music. If you are born knowing them, fine.
      if not, learn them. then rearrange
      the rules to suit yourself.”
      — truman capote

      blogging on life’s simplicity,
      love’s complexity,
      the richness of food and
      the brokeness of full-time freelance work
      at http://www.paigeworthy.com

  31. anon Says:

    “So you’re a writer.”

  32. Capt. Morgan Says:

    Thank god for the anonymity of the internet. I’ll be brief, to the most possible extent.

    Your website probably isn’t going to attract men, or at least the ones you’re looking for. The problem is that while you’re disqualifying men for not valuing your openness on a blog, they’ve actually already disqualified you for one vital reason, which I will get to in a hot second. It’s the You can’t Fire me, I Quit paradox.

    You want a certain kind of man (work with me here, through my presumptions). But your website is a repellent for that exact man. People become increasingly emotionally and physically intimate in a relationship. Then, if things work out, they’ll be able to overlook the inevitable emergence of weird stuff, over time, about that significant other. I’m not talking about sex changes, but you know, idiosyncratic stuff. By then it’s endearing. But here, in black and white, you’ve already spilled all of the good and the bad. Great! Transparency! Right? No. A man with options isn’t going to voluntarily sign up for this ride. He already sees where it’s going. It’s like siphoning all that sucks about being famous and in a relationship, but without fame and any sort of desire to cloak your personal life. And if Hollywood is to be a guide…

    So, from one 26-year-old writer to a fellow 20-something writer, you should know what you’re doing to your love life. (Oh man, that sounded fatalistic.)

    Disclaimer: It’s just my opinion that this blog is toxic to a relationship with a worthwhile guy. I may be wrong. I hope I am, in fact. Alas, I leave you with my two cents.

    • paigeworthy Says:

      For the record, I find it SO COWARDLY that anyone would feel the need to
      shroud themselves in anonymity for offering a perfectly valid opinion to
      someone who has shown to be nothing but open to people’s opinions and
      thoughts.

      But I hope you’re wrong, too.
      I guess the thing is I don’t really know how to be any other way. And I
      don’t believe in being anonymous.

      I resent the idea that I’m going to get stuck with a man who has no other
      options than to get with a girl with baggage. If that’s the case, I’d rather
      die alone. And I guess in your estimation, I just might.

      Cool.

      For the…other record…I fell in love with a man in 2009 knowing full well
      that the skeletons in his closet were looking for a new place to live
      because of all the baggage he had stored there. I fell in love with him
      anyway, and I knew right from the start. I still love him, even though
      things will never ultimately work out with us.
      I guess I have to keep believing that there are men out there who are like
      me, and that we’ll find each other.

      • Capt. Morgan Says:

        Well, this certainly is an interesting topic.

        My impression, from what you’ve said and what I’ve been able to deduce, is that this website began as an extension of your personality. Candor galore. I’m not sure if it has always been like this, but that’s certainly the state of it now. But, but but. Now, the site has morphed into an informal shit test of sorts, deterring a key demographic perhaps. Only those that are willing to overlook your “baggage” (awful word) will pursue/be considered. Then, another prerequisite comes in the form of a willingness to be blogged about, for better or worse.

        The whole thing just seems like an obstacle. There are some guys that won’t mind or may even be attracted to you as a result of it. But the majority (especially those that are more experienced with women), in my best estimation, will be repelled by its content and feel.

        To me, the real issue that is presented here is thus: you’re giving them all the bad without the good. No rapport (two-way, at least), no attraction, etc. Just baggage. That’s a big fucking hurdle. The openness will be a redeeming quality to many, but it’ll be just that, a quality intended to redeem what’s already been lost. And that’s no kind of first impression.

        Perhaps I’m being superficial. Maybe a bit. But this is my genuine opinion, coming from a relevant perspective. I’ll leave my point there. If you want to leave the relationship tab, fine. It’s clearly very entertaining. However, you may be ultimately costing yourself.

        And now for the good news! Haha. I immediately felt bad when you said “die alone.” I know where that ranks in terms of women’s fears. That’s certainly not the point I was trying to make or insinuate. We all have our “league.” And when we try to overachieve, that is to say, have high standards, it’s a delicate process. Something like this blog, for example, can get in the way of that. That’s all I was saying. You have physical and personality attributes that’ll prevent that from happening. I have seen worse people, externally and internally, find relationship happiness. No worries there.

        Re: 2009 Lover. It all depends. There are bleeding hearts out there that want that challenge. The question is, do you look for baggage or do you try to avoid it? And if you tried to avoid it…and stumbled upon a website that was tantamount to a Samsonite factory…would you steer clear? I would. You should, too. Does that mean people with baggage can’t be in relationships? Nope. They just have to create that trust first. In a loving relationship, there should be very little that can’t be overlooked.

        Lastly, I don’t want to give this too much play, but I don’t think my identity should be of much interest to you. I don’t know you in real life, you don’t know me. That’s the crux of it, and my name isn’t going to change that. We’re still going to be anonymous to each other. More to the point, I would never put my full name on here anyway. That’s a choice I’m making. If I did, I would be much more inclined to censor myself. So, in this situation, I’d say it’s for the best.

      • paigeworthy Says:

        It is an interesting topic.
        I can’t continue this conversation now — or maybe ever — but I didn’t want
        you to think I’m just ignoring your comments like a petulant child, as
        another commenter has recently suggested I am.

        I’m just a little sad lately.
        For a lot of valid reasons.
        And I think that’s why I haven’t been meeting anyone lately. Not because of
        my baggage-y blog, but because I’m not myself. Rock and a hard place, isn’t
        it, when writing through things is one of the only ways I can get through
        it.

        I’ve always been candid, but I haven’t always been sad.

      • Capt. Morgan Says:

        Understandable. That topic had run its course and gotten a bitch touchy, perhaps.

        Re: Your frownThere are always peaks and valleys. Not to sound corny, but it’s true. If you can’t get yourself out of the rut, perhaps you can try being a heathen? That’s what I do if I’m feeling down. I just indulge as much as I can. Try eating cake and partaking in all of your vices. Terrible advice, but it works for me. That’s all I got. You’ll be happy again, don’t you worry.

      • paigeworthy Says:

        “A bitch touchy.”

        Heh.

        And if it weren’t clear already that you don’t know me…I always indulge. I
        think that’s part of my problem. I need an EU-style austerity plan! 🙂

      • Capt. Morgan Says:

        Finances are of no concern to me. I enjoy making it rain…a lot. Well, I should get back to my world now. Good luck with food, love, writing, travel and everything in between, friend.

  33. World, be mine. — Paige Worthy Says:

    […] still hours before Valentine’s Day begins, and I’ve moved so far past the defiance and hurt I felt a year ago. The song remains the same: Half my bed will be cold and empty, sheets crisp, […]

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